My Blog
The Ghost Industry?
I know people usually burn up a lil’ over getting ghosted by the person they’re into. That’s the norm. But you know what’s worse than heartbreak? Getting all 5 mixes of your songs done after almost a year and then getting ghosted by the guy you paid to do it. OR, getting ghosted by the guy who filmed your music video after you buy all your props and spend countless hours planning and filming just to never see all the content you created. Being an independent artist is hard, especially when creatives seem to have a bad rep for being flaky (I know this cause apparently I’m not the only one with bad luck. RIP). It’s not for the faint of heart—you’ve got to have thick skin if you want to pursue the arts. However, I’ve never been one to give up. Though I have my days when I question pretty much my entire life, it’s better to try and fail than to always wonder. Also, I did make my senior quote “google me in 10 years” as a way to keep myself accountable cause I could not deal with the embarrassment of someone coming across that one day, googling me, and finding absolutely nothing interesting. So I guess now I’m FORCED to do something…lololol. But despite that, I think pursuing what you love is worth it. Even if things go sideways time after time, I heard someone once say ‘you can’t choose to be happy, but you can choose to stay positive’ and I think that’s truly something to live by. Cause if you feel you’re made to do something, what better way to serve the world than with the one thing you’re truly good at.
I Don’t Need Therapy, I’m A Songwriter
Who needs therapy when you can write songs for free as a way to unpack all the trauma, depression, repressed feelings, and doubts in your mind, right? RIGHT?
Okay, in all seriousness though, music truly is my therapy. I think I consider myself very blessed to have an outlet like songwriting where I can unload all my feelings into something special. I always say that talking is not my thing and expressing my emotions makes me feel a little silly or cringy, but that if you put a guitar in my hand, I can somehow magically just tell you everything right then and there. Whatever I can’t put into words, I can put into writing. But honestly, there’s something quite amazing about being able to make a song and suddenly getting to see how well people can connect to whatever it is you wrote. To me, it feels like a way to bring people together and remind ourselves that we aren’t as alone as we may feel. That the chances someone else is feeling the exact same thing as you are high. Hearing others write honestly and so openly always makes me feel some kind of comfort, and that has made me want to be just as open in my writing as well. Though people may sometimes be afraid to show just personal thoughts and feelings, because it’s basically like publicly reading your diary, I’m always more excited than I am scared to put it out there in hopes that someone will relate and perhaps feel that same comfort that I do when they hear it too.
They Were Just Hypotheticals
For the first 20 years of my life, I was a single pringle. My friends said I was ‘too picky’ but I was simply determined to wait until I found exactly what I was looking for. This resulted in me just having countless guy friends and feeling absolutely nothing for any of them. So, if you know anything about music, you know that about 90% of songs are about love. Apparently (and surprisingly), humans are able to find unlimited ways to sing about the same thing and not get bored nor have it go out of style. So imagine how inconvenient it was when I, a single girl, was dry of inspiration on love songs ‘cause I was incapable of feeling anything? Well, that’s where hypotheticals came in. Call me crazy, but I managed to find the perfect ways to write about my guy friends being hypothetical love interests. This meant that I would try to imagine a universe in which I had feelings for one and write about whatever the situation was. Some of these included (but were not limited to) romanticizing all the fun things my best friend and I did and made them into a love story or pretending I was heartbroken over the fact my guy friend with a girlfriend couldn’t be with me.
Despite that sounding like an inauthentic way of writing, it actually made really great songs out of it and people related them more than I would’ve thought. I became good at writing other people’s stories, being able to write from other perspectives, and writing for things outside of just my own life. I think sometimes, as an artist, you have to step outside the box and let yourself get a little weird or a little crazy. That’s where some of the best ideas come from. If you don’t think so, just go watch The Titanic (no, Jack and Rose were not real people). Hypotheticals for the win!!!
I Can’t Hear The Guitar
The day has finally come after two long years of not performing in public. I’ve been rehearsing my song for almost a week and the stage fright I thought I had gotten over is suddenly back. My parents and sister are watching me and somehow it makes it worse. Performing in front of people I know is scarier for some reason. But here I am, about to get on stage. I got this. It’s fine. Everything’s fine! I walk up, connect my guitar, and greet the crowd. I begin to play my song and suddenly I realize I can’t hear my instrument. I begin singing the first half of my song and my mind begins to panic because everyone is beginning to think I’m a terrible singer. I’m singing my own song in the wrong key. I see my parents staring at me in deep confusion and concern and I can’t take it anymore. I stop singing and just focus on my strums, the whole crowd looking at me with pity. About what feels like the longest 20 seconds of my life, I finally pick up on the key and jump back in with confidence. I begin singing and everyone starts to cheer me on and clap, realizing what had just happened.
It was at that moment that I learned three things—-one, you aren’t defined by your mistakes, but rather by how you choose to handle things after you’ve messed up. Two, people are excited to see you succeed and always ready to enjoy a show. As an artist, I constantly find myself worrying about what people will think or nervous about how I will perform, but it makes it a lot easier when I try to focus on the fact that everyone is just excited to watch the same way I usually am when watching someone else. And third, make sure your guitar has battery before you play a show.
I Pretended To Be High and This Is What I Wrote (i don’t even do drugs)
vs 1//
i want to take
a train
somewhere far away
from here
a land where the stars lie
among empty fields
and there’s the sweet absence of fear
where the only droplets that fall on my cheeks
are raindrops
that finally come down after several weeks
where the only body that is blue
is one of water
and every mountain top is reachable
with just a ladder
wouldn’t it be nice?
wouldn’t it be nice?
—
vs2//
i want to taste
the colors of candy
and bliss
swim in the clouds
‘till they’re no longer there
feel the wind kiss my face
so kind and debonaire
and i’d run ‘till there’s nothing else left to see
be my own guest
like to
keep myself company
wouldnt it be nice?
wouldnt it be nice?
—
end//
but my trance disappears
when i hear the bell
ringing loudly, it always has something to tell
me
tell me
what is it now?
ringing so loud
bringing me back
to this black and white crowd
taking away from my candid old fantasy
staining it all with a vivid reality
but wouldn’t it be nice?